Tears

We have had a very busy last few weeks. This should not be a shook to anyone because that is always the story. When I first started my blog I had every intention to write daily or at least weekly. It seems that I will have to settle for monthly. It is not that I do not have any time it is just that the extra time I have, I can think of ten more I need to do that are more important.
Like laundry!

Shortly after we returned home from our Thanksgiving get a way we received a phone call from Lynn, Jason’s mom telling us that she had been in a car accident. The lady who hit her was uninsured so there is not much she can do. The car is drivable but has no taillights. This is her only way to the cancer center and she has little to no money for other transportation.
This was a little stressful because Lynn thinks that whenever something happens that she does not have an answer for then Jason needs to just fix it. We on the other hand have been really concerned about her driving. Her health is not doing well and she is on a lot of medicines including a lot of pain meds. We have been worried for some time that she may get into an accident, this is risky not only for her but also for everyone on the road. So God works again….

In the mean time I have been working on opening a store. I have always wanted to do my own thing and I think that I figured out what I want to do. Now don’t get me wrong I love staying home with the kids. They fill me with laughter and love. I like having an open schedule where I can spend time at the library or go to the park for the afternoon. But in a way I am getting very board. There are only so many play dough animals you can make before you need something more.
I have thought a lot about going back to work. I have never been the work for someone kind of person and I have always wanted to do my own thing. So I am going to open a store. What kind of store? A kitchen supply store right here in Eagle. We have bought a little house that we are going to renovate and turn into a retail space. I am very excited and scared at the same time. I will try to keep everyone posted as much as I can.
Wean while a few days after we heard of Lynn’s accident Alysha calls. Alysha has not talked to me in weeks and I always call her she never calls me. When I answered the phone she was in hysterics. I could not understand a word that came out of her mouth.
Mom, come to the hospital!
Are you ok?
Come quick
What is going on?
Jayden was hit
Is he ok?
No, he’s dead.
Ok I will be there as soon as I can
Alysha’s step sister was getting ready for work and her son who is three years old opened the front door and walked out on to State St. at 7:30 in the morning. He was hit be a car and killed instantly. He turned three years old on December 3 and died on December 5th. He was a very precious little boy who was loved very much. This has been a huge shook to the whole family. After attending the saddest funeral with the smallest little casket I cried.

Alysha 1993
I started crying and could not stop. The tears that fell where like a river. They streamed down my cheeks and fell to the ground I felt that I was being drowned in the waters of grief. I shouted to the Lord my anger and frustration.
The pain the Alysha has been put through the horrible terrible things that she has seen. Her pain is so deep and there is nothing I can do to help her. She does not understand any of her feelings and I can’t do anything to help her.
She is my baby and I only want her to come to me. I cannot fix anything but I can love her. I want to hold her and ease her pain but I cannot make her take my love. This is exactly what God has been telling me. He cannot take my pain or fix anything but he can and does love me. All I have to do is go to him and he will give me what I need.

The tears we shed become rivers
Rivers of tears from our path
Our paths that lead us around the corners of life
The corners we cannot see till we get to them
Life that we can not feel till we are living it
The river is fierce with nothing to hold

Tears run into lakes of sorrow
Sorrow that lies deeper then the depth of our lakes
In the depth of our pain we find the center of our lives
The more tears that we shed the deeper we go
The more pain that you feel the more life that you know

You will see that the tears you have shed are the waters around you
The water that quenches your thirst when you are dry
The water the gives you hope when you are alone
The water that cleanse us within
Our tears become a river that flows

Through this deep pain Alysha came home. She came to my arms where I could do nothing but hold her and love her. I cannot take her pain away but I help her carry it.

Alysha 2007

ThanksGiving

After spending several day planning and preparing to feed the church a formal thanksgiving the family and I headed for our family thanksgiving in Portland. It has been one thing after another and I have not had much time to post. I have taken several photos so please enjoy them and forgive me for not giving much explanation.
Dinner setting at the church - Dishes most people did not even now that we had.


One of the many tables set for serving the food.


My brother Seth's wife Kari carving a 32 pound bird the my mom raises up at her rance. Quinton was a ver important part of the working involved with raising the 150 beautifuly delicious birds.


Quinton helping cook Thanksgiving dinner at Seth's house.


Lauren keeping very busy playing Barbie's under the table waiting for dinner.


Henry at Portlands sience center called OMSI.


Quinn at OMSI


Lauren and Quinton as Penguins in the Antartica room at OMSI


We all so took an adventure to a big city department store display. This was in Macy's downtwon Portland where they had a complete north pole display. The Kids are standing in front of the Raindeer barn where they found all eight of Santas friends.


On the way home we stoped at the falls before packing in the car for 6 goods hours of road time together.


When we returned home my husband surpised me wiht tikets to see one of my favorit artists Tori Amos, it was a beautiful evening.

Jazzercise

Some of you may not know that I have Jazzercised for eleven years. I stared when I was 19 and have faithfully danced at least three to five days a week since. I love it! I love to dance and I have always felt passionate about exercise. It is so important to me to take care of my body, it really is the only one I have.
I also have the greatest ladies that I Jazzercise with. They are like another family, I have cried with them, laughed with them and prayed with them. They all accept me for who I am, without any makeup on and usually in sweats. They have seen me at my best and at my worst and they love me. Some days I wake up and it takes everything I have to get myself in the door. Every time I do I anyways feel better that I did.
Today was Halloween and I would not miss it for the world – here are the photos of what you are missing out on!


My good friend Kristin Adams as cousin it.


MaryAnn Mandel as Thing 1


Christy Flynn as a Pirate.

October 20, 2007

The perfect combination two boys and two girls.

Quinton learns to sew


Henry gets a manicure


Lulu…… do I need to say more?

Stuff

The American dream! To have it all house, car, wife great job and happiness. Oh wait I mean one house in the city one in the country and one down south. Two cars at each house and one of those have towing capacity for the toys that will fill the lifestyle where the house is located. Wife well she better be beautiful, fit, friendly and a nice rack. If she does not have these things then we will just pay for them. Great job, as long as I can work from home not any more then 40 hours a week and eat out as much as possible. Then there is happiness, how great it feels to have it all.
We want everything and we want it now. Not only do we want it but, we deserve it.
The thing is that living in America we can have it all. We can have the house or maybe even two and the toys to go along with it but it is the happiness that we lack. We are so busy keeping up with having it all we forget about what really makes us happy.

Do we own our stuff or does it own us? Are we working to pay off the house that we have second on so we can have the boat to enjoy the weekends with our family who was too busy to pack healthy food so we just grab something on the way and we will eat off paper plate that we bought at the convent store where we filled our boat pulling SUV with gas using our preferred card for .03 off per gallon form the club where I spent the last four days trying to lose weight to fit into my new swimsuit that I am going to ware after applying sunscreen at the lake before we go home early on Sunday because we have to get the lawn mowed before Monday.

We are Americans we deserve this! Maybe we need to think of clearing out the American in us and letting in more of who you are. What is your passion, what really makes you happy? Are you living your life or are you maintaining your stuff. Are we truly boating, fast food eating, and gas guzzling creatures or have we become blurred by the fog of stuff.
Is this what God intended for us, if so how many people are suffering because they see others with so much and just feel bad that they do not have the same. What makes one man more superior then the other in this kind of world? The man cleaning the convent store does he work less or not as hard? Where is his boat?
The truth is he does not have a boat, but he has stuff. Extra stuff that clutters his home, his mind and his time. Time is the only thing we have and over all we do not have very much. Life is how we spend our time.
God wants us to be fulfilled with his love, he never said that life would be easy but he did say that when you walk your life with him by your side you have everything you need.

Romans; 13, 8-14
Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another, for he who loves his fellowman has fulfilled the law. The commandments, “do not steal, do not murder, do not commit adultery,” and whatever other commandment there may be, are summed up in this one rule: “Love your neighbor as yourself.” Love does no harm to its neighbor. Therefore love is the fulfillment of the law.
And do this, understanding the present time. The hour has come for you to wake up from your slumber, because our salvation is nearer now then when we first believed. The night is nearly over; the day is almost here. So let us put aside the deeds of the darkness and put on the armor of light. Let us behave decently, as in the daytime, not in orgies and drunkenness, not in sexual immorality and debauchery, not in dissension and jealousy. RATHER CLOTHE YOURSELVES WITH THE LORD JESUS CHRIST, AND DO NOT THINK ABOUT HOW TO GRAFITY THE DESIRES OF THE SINFUL NATURE.

My Husband

This blog entry I have to give credit to my husband. He truly is amazing in so many ways. He is a very hard worker and impresses me on all the stuff he knows when it comes to engineering. He really likes what he does and is very good at doing things right. He is also very good at working on cars and not only domestic cars but also most all cars. There is nothing that he cannot fix on any of our cars including the two Alfa Romeos we have. He is also an awesome plumber, which comes in very handy when your water heater goes out. He is also a very good electrician and can do anything from jimmy rigging the vacuum to installing 220 panel and outlets in the garage. He knows lots of stuff about the computer and can run any TV, VCR, DVD etc. like a pro. He is very good at doing anything in the yard from the sprinkler system to picking up the dog poop. I really like that he is good at that. Our Christmas lights are always hung exactly right all pointing the same direction and in color order. Our cars are for the most part always clean and up to date on their maintenance. Everything in the house is always operating just how it is supposed to and in a very efficient manner. I have been completely spoiled with all that he knows.
The one thing that Jason loves to do is build stuff. He installed beautiful bamboo floors in our living and formal dining room. He also put in new molding and sprayed the doors to match. He also installed a new front door with early craftsman style molding to boot. When Jason can have an afternoon sawing, painting and screwing he is a happy camper.

Now he gets this all done while working 50 hour plus workweeks, spending time with the family, spending time at church. He is also very good a paying all the bills with some leftover on a four kid stay at home mom salary. Since I mentioned it he also puts his kids first by working his tale off so that his wife can stay home and raise them.
He never goes out with the guys and could care less about football. His feet do not stink and I never have to remind him to take a shower. He loves my cooking and is always thinking of ways we can be healthier. He loves to spend time with the family no matter what we are doing. He likes to sit and watch movies or drive across the country as long as he is with his wife and children he is happy.

He truly is the most amazing man that I know and I am very blessed that he is mine.
So I have to apologize giving him such a hard time about his shed. You see Jason decided that when I was on a trip with my Mom and the kids that he was going to stay home and build us a shed. He collected and bundle of 2X4’s from my uncle and various other materials that was up for grabs. He drew up the plans invited over a few friends and up went the sturdiest and tallest shed of all times. 6mo later he rounded up some more free wood from our pastor and put the doors on. 6mo later he was given some metal roofing panels. 3 years and one month later he gets the panels up on the roof and finished the soffet. He still has about 2 more years of work at this rate. Everyone who knows him gives him a hard time about it. He has put the shed together for little to nothing and he has done it all with his own two hands. It will be a very nice addition when it is done.

So. I from the depths of my heart I have to apologize for the crap that I have given this hard worken, loving husband because if it is a shed that take five years to built then I will take it all.
I love you Jason you truly are the best!!!

light and fluffy

Every Monday we stop by the fruit stand for the weekly fresh fruit and veggies. The kids have become good friends with the guy who runs the place; he gives them lots of things to snack on while mom shops. He has been very generous in giving mom left over fruit to turn into jam.
The price? A pint of jam.


Lauren has always had her own sense of style…you have to love that girl!

Jesus Loves Me

I woke up this morning and remembered that I was loved. I know that my blog has been heavy and dark that is what I have been feeling lately. I have never been able to just pick up and be something that I am not and honestly those kinds of people irritate me. Now I could post inaccurate fluffy things about life, or post colorful photos of the things I want people to believe about the hidden truth of who I really am. What would be the use of blogging? Life is heavy and full of pain but it is only through he pain we feel that we become strong, compassionate people. When everything is great and there is no necessity to have character. If we are not learning and growing then we might as well be dead.
But lately I have been blinded by the darkness that has been around me. I have slowly let it take over me. I have forgot the beauty that the Lord sets right in front of you. This is the beauty that holds caries and us through each day.

I have the best family and the cutest kids, I would give my left arm for any of them.


When I woke this morning and looked over to see the most loving and caring man I know, I remembered that Jesus loves me.
When I heard the sweetest little voice pop up from the edge of the bed, informing me that the sun was up I remembered that Jesus loves me.
When the best sister in the world showed up to take the kids for the evening I remembered that Jesus loves me.

Life is hard and it is easy to forget that even through the bad stuff Jesus still loves me.

Hold On

It has been a while since I have written but things have been crazy. I have also been feeling really down lately and have not really had anything good to say. So if you cannot say anything nice then do not say anything at all.
Most everything on my list has been checked off. I have most all the canning done, I changed the sheets on my bed, I shaved my armpits and I found my missing cat at a garage sale last week.
I do need to fill you in though on some hard stuff I have had to do. I am only going to post this on the Internet because I feel that someone may be able to really benefit from the truth of life.
Life is hard and there is a lot of stuff that we all have to go through. Everybody has different ways of dealing with life and everybody has dysfunctional families. Warning: those who cannot admit to the dysfunction are probably some of the most dysfunctional.
I have a daughter and her name is Alysha Lillian. She was born on November 16, 1992. We are exactly 15 years and 4 months a part. I have spent over half my life raising her. She has been my morning and my night. We have had good and bad times but mostly real times. There has always been little eat, not much gas in the tank, free lunch at school, homemade Christmas and only local TV. There have also been lots of books, sleepovers in the living room, hours doing our nails, class parties and quiet nights. But there has never been a lot of touch, we never held hands, never snuggles on Saturday mornings, or hugs after she fell off her bike, never a kiss good by or even a love to say hello, never any touch.
I tried to change what I felt inside but the pain was to deep to reach out, the only thing I could do was hide it. I could hear her cries for mothers love; she needed to feel the warmth of the heart that beat to keep her alive. I could not give her what she so desperately needed. I have carried this truth with me, and now it is infected. Like the wound that you do not see because you have covered it for so long.
Why is it that the wicked things that we hate turn into the wicked things we are? Why is it that the pain we feel, we inflict upon the ones we love. We so desperately want to protect our loved ones but yet we line them up for fire.
I sat there in drug class with my beautiful Alysha. I now see her every week during this time. We sit at long tables and she sits across from me. Next to her sits the perpetrator.
We will be doing an exercise on communication, the drug class facilitator says and hands us an 81/2 X 11 sheet of paper. On the paper we have written a few statements that we want you to go over with your child and parent. Ok, this should be simple.
I look up at Alysha with her big eyes and start the list:
What I most love about you is…
The changes I have seen in you are…
I feel closest to you when…
I feel furthest from you when…
What I am most concerned about you is…
What I wish we could talk about but don’t is…
By the time I had read the third thing on this list my eyes were pouring with tears and my heart needed to be picked up off the floor. I miss you is all I can say. She throws her self into my arms and sobs. For the first time I hold on to her. I love you is all I can say I love you. It is so hard Mom she says. I know Alysha it has always been hard.
After years we embrace her tears on my chest and my tears in her perfect silky hair. I wish that I could turn back the time and hold her more, tell her that I loved her.
I look up and see the perpetrator sitting there and now it is his turn to go through the list. He smiles and lets out a laugh as she walks over to sit back down next to him. It takes all of my will to stop myself from jumping over the table and punching him in the face. The pain he has caused the tears that have been shed and he sits and laughs.
Hold your babies tonight. Give them all of your love, kiss them and hugs them and do not ever let go. Baby fits mother so hold on to him tight. Hold on because life hurts like hell.

One day

It has been a while since my last post. I have had a lot going on and truthfully I have not even had time to check my e-mail. A few years ago I started canning. Now I do most of my winter food supply by canning it myself. My Mom as thought me everything there is to know about canning and now I cannot get enough of it. We have done Tomatoes yellow and red, peaches, pears, beans, jams and corn. Needless to say I have spent a lot of my time in the kitchen.
On top of, volunteering in Quinn's class once a week. Attending back to school night last week. Taking the kids to gymnastics one day a week and church one extra night a week. Jason's Dad was here last week so we had four days entertaining him. We have all had a bad case of the flu bug and our cat has run away 7 times since last Tuesday. My brother has been evicted from his house again and his daughter who is only 15 in now pregnant. My daughter had court last week and will be attending drug and alcohol classes once a week for twelve weeks. I have been court ordered to attend these classes with her and my ex-husband. Jason's mom is still having chemo and we see her one night a week. Our rental house in Emmett is for sale and the renter in the back house has not paid the water bill in two months. Lauren had a birthday and we spent a day filling her cup. Our water heater broke and flooded the garage and Jason is going out of town this weekend. We have sold one of our extra cars and the man will be here from Pittsburg to pick it up on Saturday. I have a cold my face has broken out, I need to change the oil in the car and the sheets on my bed have not seen the washing machine for several weeks. One of my good friends had twins and I have had her gift sitting in the front seat of my car for two weeks. As soon as I can get to the post office I will send them off. I also have stack of books that need to go back to the library and the deposit has to be made, my grocery list is now two pages long and Henry peed the bed last night. I need to take the dog in to have her ears cleaned and I have my yearly exam on Tuesday. The mirror in the bathroom was knocked over and broken last week and the lawn out in Emmett needs to be mowed. Jason is doing construction on the job he has been working on the last six months so he has to work most weekends and late every night. Oh shit, I just burnt dinner!
And to think I would give all of this up for one day of quiet. This is my life, how are you?

School Days Start

It has been a very long week........
Quinn had his first day of school. He is now a very big boy attending the first grade. He will now eat lunch at school and stay till 3:35. Of course they had a half a day on Monday and no school on Friday and then no school on Monday again so we will have to give it a week or two and see what happens. Quinton has so far not really had any use for school. He has a great teacher this year who seems to be a science and health nut so hopefully he will get something useful out of this year.

Lauren is now doing three half days of preschool. She on the other hand loves school. She makes friends easy, she likes to color, write and listen to stories and she loves her teacher. So that leaves me with Henry, it’s just the two of us three days a week in the morning. Now I can get my grocery shopping done with just him. This may sound like it is not that big of a deal, but you try to go shopping with three little kids who all go different directions and never tell you where they are going.

Jason has been working on a project for the Boise Airport and they have been doing construction for the last few weeks. He has been working from sun up to sun down. This weekend was going to be his first day off and so he decided to get a really good case of food poisoning. That has been really fun but I do not recommend trying it.

It is also harvest season and I have canned peaches and dilly beans this week. I have two bushels of tomatoes in the garage waiting to be canned next. My garden is one of my favorite places to be. There is something about growing my own food then preserving it. It is such a great life skill to have and to know that I can provide for my family with out much help from the dreaded grocery store.
If you know anything about me you know that I frequent thrift store and garage sales. I have collected most of my canning equipment and jars from theses places. Also Jason and I have been switching out diet to little to no commercial processors. It has been a challenge and a lot of label reading. Now that I know what is good to eat it actually saves a lot of time at the store. There are now isles that I can skip completely. Also it protects me from the impulse buys, most which include the things we try to stay away from.
The trick is to keep your husband away from fast food that is poisoned.

To end the week we finished the inspection of a rental we have out in Emmett. Our renter has decided to move back to Alaska. We are done with the rental days and are going to put this property on the market. I always liked this house and it will be sad to see it go but we are really trying to focused on simplify our lives. It is a charming two-bedroom home that was built in 1926. It sits in the Williamson addition of Emmett and was actually Williamsons house. It has all the original hardwood floors, pulley windows and claw foot tub. There is also a one-bedroom mother-in-law house in the back. We just had them painted before the last tenant moved in. We would love to keep it but we just never find the time to give it the attention it needs.

Well I hear Henry beating on his older sister again so it is time to play referee. And I wonder why I can’t find anytime?

The Cross

The cross what does this word mean to you? What do you think when you hear the word cross? What comes to your mind when you see a cross? So many we see on churches, in stores, on cars, in books on the Internet, on music cases and even people ware them. We see them on jewelry, on t-shirts and even body art. But what really does the cross mean. Is it just a simple way to tell other people that you believe in God or is it a symbol to others that there are Christians inside praising Jesus. Does it mean that when you drive down the road you are more blessed or that the music you are listening to will fill your ears and make you whole. What is it that you are really hearing or seeing when you encountered by a CROSS?
I hear over and over that cross is a universal symbol of Christianity. In the dictionary it says; a structure consisting of an upright with a transverse beam used by the ancient Romans for execution. Maybe I really should ask Jesus what the word cross means to him? Maybe we should ask the people on death row to answer the question honestly when asking them what they feel about lethal injection. They might say shame, guilt, not worthy, pain and desperation. That may seem a little extreme but maybe not.

When I think of the cross I think of all the things that I have had to bear in order to become closer to Jesus. I think of the pain, the pain that is so deep that only the Lord could understand or hear my voice screaming for a release. I think of humiliation, embarrassment that the world has cast upon me for the mistakes I have made. I think of sorrow for the relationships that I have lost. The blood and tears that I have shed through desperation for strength. Darkness that surrounds me like a storms cold heavy, intense clouds and the eerie silence of what is to come. I think about being tied to my past and persecuted for the things that I struggle with. I am weak my body trembles to hold on to the days that encircle me. I am thirsty me mouth is dry and my skin is cracking I beg for the flow of truth. I am tired I can barley see what is in front of me when will I rest in the shadows of perfection. I lay in my grave that still is exposed to the arrows of my enemy. The world beats down upon me, all I see is the darkness that weighs on me like a cloak of steel.
Christ carried his cross, beaten and bruised. He was nailed to the pain of the world and left to die on the sin we have created. The hands that touched sick now shed blood the feet that walked to heal the broken now shed blood too. His mouth too dry to swallow, his eyes filled with sorrow and his body to weak to stand. He feels the pull of each nail as his body begins to rest. He still calls out to God in the time of his death.

I cry out to you oh Lord. My spirit is clinching to the faith of becoming new but my body is slipping away tired and weak. I call out to you oh Lord how long do have to wait to hear your voice.
Still I wait in silence so that you will come and sit with me you can bring me into open places where the sky meets the sea and the fields behind me never end. You are the one who has changed me; you are the one I long for. I will shed one thousand tears and ten thousand more. Still I will never feel the pain that lies deep in the ocean of tears that you have wept for me.

Matthew; 10, 38-39
And anyone who dose not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me.
Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.
Ask Jesus what the cross means to him. Ask what he feels when thinking of the cross. He will not tell you that it is just a symbol. It is what we can only hope for, that we too can die on a cross, filled with a lifetime of sorrow. Our pain that scars our bodies and the tears that blur our vision. When you can feel your heart breaking and you are not sure if you can take anymore. When the walls close in around you, the ground is too unstable to walk. Then we can get a glimpse of what Jesus has led us to do. We forsake Jesus for the cross that we carry; he died on our cross to save us from the sin of the world.
When I think of the cross I think of my testimony. The path that I have walked down, the darkness that I have endured. Life has brought me to so many places. The lessons that have been worth leaning have been ones of pain.
God you are the light on my path and the rest that I need with you I am and with out you I am not.

Romans; 6, 3-4
Or don’t you know that all of us who were baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into his death?
We were there for buried with him through baptism into death in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead in the glory of the father, we too may live a new life.

Romans; 6, 8-10
Now if we died with Christ, we believe that we also will live in him.
For we know that since Christ was raised from the dead, He cannot die again; death no longer has mastery over him. The death he died, he died to sin once for all; but the life he lives he lives to God.

Cowboy Day

Yesterday was the day that all kids who live in Boise Idaho wait for, FAIR DAY. Every year the fair comes through town, now I try to avoid going but since we have to drive right past the giant ferriswheel to get to church it is kind of hard to hide. So we were on our way cowboy hats and all. After several twenties and too many pronto pups we made it home before 10 o'clock.

The next day we spent on the couch all three kids and the dog had a bad case of the runs........

We did make it out of the house today to go meet Quinn's first grade teacher. I am so excited for school to start, Quinn will be in full day and Lauren has three days a week in preschool. I cannot even imagine what it will be like.