It has been a while since I have written but things have been crazy. I have also been feeling really down lately and have not really had anything good to say. So if you cannot say anything nice then do not say anything at all.
Most everything on my list has been checked off. I have most all the canning done, I changed the sheets on my bed, I shaved my armpits and I found my missing cat at a garage sale last week.
I do need to fill you in though on some hard stuff I have had to do. I am only going to post this on the Internet because I feel that someone may be able to really benefit from the truth of life.
Life is hard and there is a lot of stuff that we all have to go through. Everybody has different ways of dealing with life and everybody has dysfunctional families. Warning: those who cannot admit to the dysfunction are probably some of the most dysfunctional.
I have a daughter and her name is Alysha Lillian. She was born on November 16, 1992. We are exactly 15 years and 4 months a part. I have spent over half my life raising her. She has been my morning and my night. We have had good and bad times but mostly real times. There has always been little eat, not much gas in the tank, free lunch at school, homemade Christmas and only local TV. There have also been lots of books, sleepovers in the living room, hours doing our nails, class parties and quiet nights. But there has never been a lot of touch, we never held hands, never snuggles on Saturday mornings, or hugs after she fell off her bike, never a kiss good by or even a love to say hello, never any touch.
I tried to change what I felt inside but the pain was to deep to reach out, the only thing I could do was hide it. I could hear her cries for mothers love; she needed to feel the warmth of the heart that beat to keep her alive. I could not give her what she so desperately needed. I have carried this truth with me, and now it is infected. Like the wound that you do not see because you have covered it for so long.
Why is it that the wicked things that we hate turn into the wicked things we are? Why is it that the pain we feel, we inflict upon the ones we love. We so desperately want to protect our loved ones but yet we line them up for fire.
I sat there in drug class with my beautiful Alysha. I now see her every week during this time. We sit at long tables and she sits across from me. Next to her sits the perpetrator.
We will be doing an exercise on communication, the drug class facilitator says and hands us an 81/2 X 11 sheet of paper. On the paper we have written a few statements that we want you to go over with your child and parent. Ok, this should be simple.
I look up at Alysha with her big eyes and start the list:
What I most love about you is…
The changes I have seen in you are…
I feel closest to you when…
I feel furthest from you when…
What I am most concerned about you is…
What I wish we could talk about but don’t is…
By the time I had read the third thing on this list my eyes were pouring with tears and my heart needed to be picked up off the floor. I miss you is all I can say. She throws her self into my arms and sobs. For the first time I hold on to her. I love you is all I can say I love you. It is so hard Mom she says. I know Alysha it has always been hard.
After years we embrace her tears on my chest and my tears in her perfect silky hair. I wish that I could turn back the time and hold her more, tell her that I loved her.
I look up and see the perpetrator sitting there and now it is his turn to go through the list. He smiles and lets out a laugh as she walks over to sit back down next to him. It takes all of my will to stop myself from jumping over the table and punching him in the face. The pain he has caused the tears that have been shed and he sits and laughs.
Hold your babies tonight. Give them all of your love, kiss them and hugs them and do not ever let go. Baby fits mother so hold on to him tight. Hold on because life hurts like hell.
6 comments:
That was heart-breaking and gut-wrenching and such a beautiful testament to the depth of your love and concern for her. I'm so sorry for your pain. I'm so sorry for her pain. You are both in my prayers.
Thanks for sharing something so true.
Also, that is a great picture. You have the exact same eyes.
Dear Vicky,
If I may channel Evie singing for a moment....
"Please don't be offended if I preach to you a while,
Tears are out of place in eyes that were meant to smile.
There's a way to make your very biggest troubles small,
Here's the happy secret of it all:
Look for the silver lining,
Whene'er a cloud appears in the blue.
Remember somewhere the sun is shining,
And so the right thing to do is make it shine for you.
A heart full of joy and gladness,
Will always banish sadness and strife.
So always look for the silver lining,
And try to find the sunny side of life.
As I wash my dishes, I'll be following your plan.
Till I see the brightness in ev'ry pot and pan.
I am sure your point of view will ease the daily grind.
So I'll keep repeating in my mind:
Look for the silver lining,
Whene'er a cloud appears in the blue.
Remember somewhere the sun is shining,
And so the right thing to do is make it shine for you."
Dear Victoria,
You always did the very best you could for Alysha and for yourself. There was never any doubt that you loved her with all your heart. There were tons of hugs when she was little and tons of "I love yous". I was a witness to both. Teenagers are just harder. I'm not sure that I hugged my mom or said I loved her for three years. Partly because I didn't know how to articulate it, and partly because I was trying to find my identity outside of my mother's influence. But in either case, it didn't change the fact that I loved my mom just as much as Alysha loves you. And I knew that my mom loved me just like Alysha knows that you love her too (even if she is too proud to admit it).
You absolutely cannot let yourself wallow in regret. I know you. And I know you have always, ALWAYS, done the very best that you could in every situation that has come your way. You've learned from the bad and you've learned from the good, and you've become a model of inspiration for a lot of people. Life is hard and it hurts. But it is also full of wonder and beauty, both of which are felt more accutely as a result of the pain.
Breathe baby breathe. And then remember that if you keep one foot in the past and one foot in the future you'll end up pissing all over today. :)
I love you!
I guess I won't read your blog while in the Library anymore. It's not the best place to have a good cry. . . I love you and I love your beautiful daughter (both of them!!)
Hey Sis! Thanks for the cry. You know that I have been by you and Alysha's side through it all and you are right, there has been a lot of pain. There has also been a lot of laughter. I think about your situation with Alysha a lot and I reflect on our childhood. Hugs and kisses were not really part of our childhood. I remember dad shaking my hand good night. What I am saying is, do not put all the blame in what you did or did not do, the cards life deals us are different for every player. If we all had the same hand, HOW BORING! As the special olympics athlete said on the news the other night, "Head high, shoulders back and go team!" I love you and I love Alysha more than you can possibly ever know.
Post a Comment