Love to Me

It is like the sweet taste of a strawberry in June

It is the feeling of the warm sand in between my toes

It is the smell of rain after the clouds have gone

It is the morning it is the night

It is the days I can’t remember and the day I can’t forget

It is the laughter of children

It is the candle that burns through the fight

It is the sound of the ocean after a storm

It is the smell of spring in bloom

It is your true love

Life is so precious and we only get to hold it once. We struggle our whole life to find meaning and truth when it is right in our hands.

We are full of care and compassion, fear and rage, tenderness and patients, sadness and sorrow, poetry and song.

There are so many thing that we see and so many people that we touch in a lifetime. We feel so alone in an over crowded world. We feel so confined in open spaces.

We spend our lifetime hunting and gathering for a better life. We search high and low for acceptance for who we are.

Souls suffering all around with little bits of happiness in-between to keep us going. Sadness over coming what we believe and laughter to fill the empty spaces of time.

No one knows why, but we all know that we do. What ever it is that you need to hold on to, do not let go.

When you loose your grip fight no matter how dark it may get to find the familiar hand and do not let go.

Give me your hand and I will hold it tight, when I get scared I will not let go. Your hand is so small compared to mine, I will not let go.

When your hart feels like it has stopped but your chest continues to pond find my hand, it is stretched out for you. When you can’t even look up I am here for you to hold on to.

If you hang on I will never let go.

Quiet

I know that it has been awhile since I last posted, but what can I say. Life has taken a huge turn for my family and me. We loved Idaho and it was good to be close to all the people who love you. Because of my head strong ways and lack of adult stimulation I wanted to open a business at the very apparent wrong time. We failed at our business venture. I need to say this out loud because it is OK to fail. It is only with failure that you can learn and grow. There once was a man who failed terrible with the first two business ventures and when he tried the third time everyone was sceptical. There is now a town named after this man and he has been one of the most successful American in history. The town is Hershey's PA, someday there will be a town after me too, oh wait there all ready are a bunch. Maybe not after me but we share the same name. I am on an adventure that I like to call life and it has taken me to lots of places. I will not ever stop doing more then I think that I can do, being stronger then I think that I am, dancing even when there is no music and laughing out loud.

So all this being said we have landed in Minnesota. This is where my husband grew up and is a great state, he does have some family here. My family is not, this is a good and bad thing. If you know me then you also know that my family is lots of drama. My family is also all that I know. Even though they sometimes suck me dry of everything I am, when it is family it is expected and OK. Now that I have stepped away from that role I can see how much it really was effecting who I was and how exhausted I really was.

Now that I have had five months of rest and the kids are back in school I feel refreshed and ready to take on the world again. Only there is one problem, I have no relationships here. For me, this is weird and I am not sure how to go about making new ones. All of my relationship have been built around my family and now I do not have any of those roots to build on. Sometimes you pray for silence, pray that your life calm down and that you can have that peace you have always dreamed of.

The peace that I needed was well over due and I did need this last few months to recover. But that craziness is also what made who I was. Not having the phone ringing off the hook and people coming over with out notice, crazy schedules with little rest, never a morning to sleep in, kids running in and out of the house, never getting to bed till 11:30, big dinners, long days, and love of the ones who need you always there. The feeling of being needed, the feeling of making a difference, knowing that if you do not show up or if you are sick someone would notice.

It will come again and the Lord always leads me in the direction I am to go, but in this time of silence I will grieve.

I am glad that I am here, I know that there is a lot here that I am left to do. God has sent us here for reasons that we do not even understand yet. I am grateful and blessed to be able to listen to what he is saying. Most times I do not know what is coming next, but I trust that what ever comes my way is for the greatness of God. It may not be what I want but it will make me stronger and closer to the peacefulness of who I am. Quiet is what I longed for and Quiet is what I needed but it is also the Quiet that I fear. When life becomes too quiet we can understand why we love the ones we do and how, even though others may seem to drain us, that we need that drain otherwise our tub gets too full.

All of the quiet has reminded me of what is important to me and has brought my husband back to the center of my heart. In the hustle and bustle sometimes you start to grow away from each other, not because you want to but because the stress becomes too much. Even if the stress is not causes by the other person there are associated with it. Either you feel guilty for your part in the stress or they just remind you of the life you can not handle. Over time you start to blame and grow apart. Being away has brought me back. Back to the man that a fell in love with back to the life we imagined and back to the wife that I love to be.

I have been home for the last nine years for my children. Every bone in my body has wanted more then the stay home job but the most important thing to me is my children and the life that the love between my husband and I have created. I have given everything up to be with my children and give them the stability of a strong family. They are all great kids with promising future of wholeness in there adult life. Being home in the past was filled with others draining the tub and I had little left over for the children. I thought that I was staying home for my babies but now I realize that I had more then just my babies to take care of. They are now mostly in school and maybe do not need me as much as they did before. When I look at today I feel more like the mother I wanted to be and not the mother that I was trying to be. When things get quiet you discover that who you are and who you want to be are two different things. You can be who you want to be, that is what they always told you right? It is true you just have to take control of who you are first. Quiet your life and listen, not just an hour or a long weekend but a stillness that can not be interrupted and you will see deep inside your heart. You know that this deepness exists but we get lost in how to find it. We start to look for it with false paths, these are only illusions. Doing good for your church, staying home with the children, feeding the family, giving to the less fortunate or what ever it is that you do to try to find that spot in you heart. You will not, till you are quiet, quiet in life and in your relationships, the stillness of this will bring out places that you have longed for. A place that no one else can fill, a place where you find your true being.

So today remind yourself that the craziness and busyness of your life is only there because you are afraid to stop. May be because you are truly afraid of what you may find when you look deep within. But once you can discover the quiet you will not want to let it go.

Love

The man I married is my best friend and the most amazing person I have ever met !

He is always there for me and is my biggest fan. He supports me in what ever I do. He comforts me when my heart is hurting and he encourages me when I feel like giving up. He loves me in the good times and the bad and he will never give up on us. We have a beautiful marriage and a wonderful life. A life that has been built on love and compassion, and one that is true and pure.

Through this love we have three Innocent and brilliant children. They make our days brighter and our lives fuller. They are all very different and all very loved. It is truly amazing what the love between two people can create. 

Home sweet Home

There's no place like home, That is the truth. 

But really isn't home where you make it? So that makes home in your heart. So if you are at peace with who you are then you have a peaceful home. Your home is welcoming and comfortable.  If you are restless then your home is restless. Your home in uninviting and dark. 

We have just recently moved very far away from our home in Idaho and now we are trying to dig in some roots in our new location. We have all the same furniture and decorations. We have the children and our marriage. We have unpacked the boxes and filled the pantry. Together my husband and I have built a life of peace. When you walk into our home you feel it at the door. We are gentle with our children and loving to each other. Most anybody is welcome to come into our home and be who you are, eat, relax, ever stay the night. There is always laughter during the good times and you can find a safe place to cry when times are rough. 

So even though we have moved away from all of your familiar surroundings, we still have everything we are. You can live in the nicest house and you can have a lot of great things but if you do not have inner peace you have nothing. This peace is the wind through he trees, the humming bird by your window, the smell of fresh bread baking in the oven, a long hot bath after a cold day, breath in the peace and let it flow out your finger tips. 

This peace has moved with us and we take everywhere we go. Live life to the fullest and love the relationships you have they may not be around forever. 

Cabin Life

We spent the weekend at the cabin, it was so relaxing that by Sunday I could barley talk. We sat by the lake and watched the kids play, then sat on the front porch and watch the kids ride bikes, then went for a boat ride, then road the jet skies, then sat by the lake and watch the kids play, then sat on the porch and watch them ride bikes........ you get the picture. 

Nana with Lu and Quinn showing her stuff on the jet ski
Torrie and Lu on the water tramp
Me making some moves on the jet ski - these are a lot of fun!
Torri and Lu relaxing on the water tramp, waiting for there turn on the jet skies
Oh wait there was some work to be done......... someone had to put the tramp in the water. 

We had a great weekend and look forward to spending more time up there. 

Moving Minnesota

After packing the house loading the trucks and gassing up the rigs we set off for Minnesota. About 7:00 pm on Monday the first of June we headed for Idaho Falls about four hours away. Everything was good till we hit the worst rain storm I have ever seen in Idaho we rolled in to Idaho Falls at about 1:00 in the morning - very tired!

The next day we headed for Bozeman MT. I lost the guys and ended up taking the other freeway that takes you through west yellow stone. It was beautiful but took a lot longer then I expected. After hitting a herd of Bison, taking a detour to Big Sky and being stooped twice for long construction delays, we pulled in to Bozeman at about 5:00 pm. We had a quick bite with Jason's brother who lives in Bozeman and hit the road to billings. By this time we had about 17 hours in the car for about 12 hours worth of miles. We were all a little cranky. 
Ok - we were serious about getting there. But since we have came all tis way lets take the little bit longer way and let the kids see Mnt Rushmore, Right? So we head for Rapid City and up the Mountain, behind two very slow moving trucks, and what? It would have been great to see if it were not completley in the clouds. So back down we go and the freeway is what we hit. That night we made it to Sioux Falls Sd.

Time to pull it in - 6 hours to home. We pulled in to the cities at about 4:00 pm and were ready for a cold beer and a good night sleep.

You Don't Get Cuter Then This!

These guys are my life and I love them for it...... 

Happy Birthday Lynn

Today is Jason's Mom's birthday, she would have been 55. She died last May of Ovarian Cancer after a battle of two years. She loved to be outside and to see new things. She was a big part of our lives. It is weired not having her around and it is always the first mile stones that are the hardest. Jason has been really strong through all the stages of grief but sometimes it hits you like a brick wall. 

There have been times when you think that you see her walking down the street, or when you suddenly get the urge to call and tell her something. Loosing someone so close to you and such a big part of your life is a numb silence that dose not go away but rather becomes a part of you. 

She also loved her one and only child Jason. She always took a lot of pride in having such a perfect child (barf). He sure is a handsome guy, this is Lynn and Jason when he graduated from the Marine Corp boot camp. She was there for all his achievements and supported him in everything he did. A mothers love is something that can never be replicated nor replaced. 
She also loved animals, this was her beloved dog Sadie. Sadie was by her side till she went to Jesus. Sadie even lived in the assisted living apartment for a few weeks. Her gentleness and understanding drew animals and children to her. She was always willing to take the time to listen. Sadie was a stray dog, until she found Lynn. Lynn opened her heart and her home to Sadie. 

She was able to open her heart to many people that we would have just turned a cheek. But she always saw the good that others had and tried to stay focused on what was and not what wasn't. She took me in when I was a young mother and it was just Alysha and I. I knew nothing of Jason and was not introduced to him till years after Lynn and I met. She came into my life when a needed a friend and with no judgement or expectations was there for me. She was my friend when I had nothing to give, and was a grandma to Alysha before blood. These are the souls we pray for, but do not see till they are only memories of the impressions they left. 
Her openness is what kept her young. She enjoyed the moment and lived for the day. She loved her grand children and they loved her. They spent hours playing and reading together. She was the Grandma that would get on the floor and play with them. They miss her and talk about her all the time. Kids deal with grief too in there own little special way. 

She was also able to go on a cruise four weeks before she passed. This is a photo of her playing with the dolphins. Always a kid at heart even when she was so sick she could barley walk she did. She walked as long as her legs would carry her and she lived the life that Jesus gave her. I learned so much from her, thank you for always being there for me and being my friend when I needed one. 

Happy Birthday Lynn - Thank You For What You Were - You Are Missed!

Easter

We spent Easter with our good friends The Hadley's, this was also our farewell to them.......

We do make a nice bunch with all six of the kids two very handsome Dad's and two rock'n hot Mommas. We sure are going to miss them in our everyday lives. We will meet again!
The kids all had lots of Easter treats left in the morning by the Easter Bunny, they were all very surprised and a little spoiled. 
And they even had a visit from the Bunny himself.......
Told you - Rock'n hot Mommas, Sarah will always be a part of my life, I will never forget what she taught me. She truly is an angel in my life!
The boys had fun blowing bubbles left by the Bunny, it was so much fun. 
Close up of Lu as she pulls off a double wand bubble. 

It was the perfect day, the day the Lord made!

The Coast

Jason and I took the kids to the coast this weekend. We have had a very hard last couple of weeks. Alysha got into a drunk driving accident and put herself in the hospital. She then spent a week in detention, was released to house arrest and then ran away. she is now back in detention and will be placed in a residential treatment program for six months up in Washington. I know that she is my daughter and I love her very much but she is making life too much to bare. I pray that she gets the help that she needs and finds her inner beauty while in treatment. 

Jason and I have not had a good night sleep in about three weeks, the stress in the house is so thick. Sometimes I do not know how much I can take. God, guides me through everything and he will give me the rest I need if I take refuge in him. He also gave us the beautiful ocean, where we found ourselves at the end of our rope.  Lord please, Take all the pain form my little girl heart and make her whole again. 

This is my beautiful family, I love them more then anything and would go to the ends of the earth for all of them. We have seen so much sadness over the last few years it is time for me to rest, I do feel so weary. 

The Pacific cost is a wonderful place full of beauty and mystery. She is angry and soft, deep and strong, predictable and mysterious.  Watching the children play along the waves with the innocence of not knowing when the last wave would arrive and the security of being on solid dry ground. To us we know that the waves will always continue and somewhere in that prediction you forget where you the ground is. 

As I sat back and watched my children I was also reminded that we all have our own path. And no matter what we choose, mohawk or beanie at the end of the day we are all created by one God and the true God.

 Thank you Quinn, Lu and Henry for giving me simplicity, Thank you Jason for being my rock in the ocean and thank you God for giving me rest when I most need it. 

The Hadley's

My Friday's always include going to Burger King with the Hadley's. These kids are the best of friends. What is more precious then a childhood friend. So sweet, pure and free, nothing to discuss but everything to imagine.

Our girls..........they are worth the pain. These girls will be amazing women with the intelligence and power to get them through the toughest storms.
They are moving to Or in about a month or so. I will miss them so much. Sarah is my life line, she is always there for me and always loves me no matter what the day brings. She reminds me of what is important and what love is truly about. Life is not here to make us happy or to feel comfortable with but to endure. Love is not a feeling but an action, love is what you have when your are willing to take on someone else's weight that lies in their heart. Here or there I will always love this family. Thank you for being what you are and thank you for having the balls to open you heart. I love you Sarah

Alone

Lying, thinking Last night How to find my soul a home Where water is not thirsty And bread loaf is not stone I came up with one thing And I don't believe I'm wrong That nobody, But nobody Can make it out here alone.

Alone, all alone Nobody, but nobody Can make it out here alone.

There are some millionaires With money they can't use Their wives run round like banshees Their children sing the blues They've got expensive doctors To cure their hearts of stone. But nobody No, nobody Can make it out here alone.

Alone, all alone Nobody, but nobody Can make it out here alone.

Now if you listen closely I'll tell you what I know Storm clouds are gathering The wind is gonna blow The race of man is suffering And I can hear the moan, 'Cause nobody, But nobody Can make it out here alone.

Alone, all alone Nobody, but nobody Can make it out here alone.

Glasses

Quinton needed glasses and it turns out he has a higher prescription then I do. I think that he looks very handsome in them! 

So Big!

They just keep on growing and growing.

They are so beautiful and strong. You would never guess that they were 10 weeks early. 

Boys

Look closely at the high tech engineering going on here. Quinton decided that he wanted chicken coop instead of a play house. So he put the house on skids and lifted it on to his wagon. He took pictures and put it on craigslist. We have not had any takers yet but he is also willing to barter for wood and chicken wire. The house is on the wagon and ready to be delivered anywhere around the neighborhood or to your truck and hauled off. What have we created?

Adam was in on this too, they are great buddies! 

Our First go at Ice Skating

Daddy had to take the lead, being an old pro at it. 

Quinton caught on right away and was off a skating like he had been tens times before.

Henry needed a little help with the walkers, they did not have them in my size.

LuLu had trusty old Dad at her side. 

It was a lot of fun and we were all very tiered with a few bruises, but what is family fun all about, right!