I know that it has been awhile since I last posted, but what can I say. Life has taken a huge turn for my family and me. We loved Idaho and it was good to be close to all the people who love you. Because of my head strong ways and lack of adult stimulation I wanted to open a business at the very apparent wrong time. We failed at our business venture. I need to say this out loud because it is OK to fail. It is only with failure that you can learn and grow. There once was a man who failed terrible with the first two business ventures and when he tried the third time everyone was sceptical. There is now a town named after this man and he has been one of the most successful American in history. The town is Hershey's PA, someday there will be a town after me too, oh wait there all ready are a bunch. Maybe not after me but we share the same name. I am on an adventure that I like to call life and it has taken me to lots of places. I will not ever stop doing more then I think that I can do, being stronger then I think that I am, dancing even when there is no music and laughing out loud.
So all this being said we have landed in Minnesota. This is where my husband grew up and is a great state, he does have some family here. My family is not, this is a good and bad thing. If you know me then you also know that my family is lots of drama. My family is also all that I know. Even though they sometimes suck me dry of everything I am, when it is family it is expected and OK. Now that I have stepped away from that role I can see how much it really was effecting who I was and how exhausted I really was.
Now that I have had five months of rest and the kids are back in school I feel refreshed and ready to take on the world again. Only there is one problem, I have no relationships here. For me, this is weird and I am not sure how to go about making new ones. All of my relationship have been built around my family and now I do not have any of those roots to build on. Sometimes you pray for silence, pray that your life calm down and that you can have that peace you have always dreamed of.
The peace that I needed was well over due and I did need this last few months to recover. But that craziness is also what made who I was. Not having the phone ringing off the hook and people coming over with out notice, crazy schedules with little rest, never a morning to sleep in, kids running in and out of the house, never getting to bed till 11:30, big dinners, long days, and love of the ones who need you always there. The feeling of being needed, the feeling of making a difference, knowing that if you do not show up or if you are sick someone would notice.
It will come again and the Lord always leads me in the direction I am to go, but in this time of silence I will grieve.
I am glad that I am here, I know that there is a lot here that I am left to do. God has sent us here for reasons that we do not even understand yet. I am grateful and blessed to be able to listen to what he is saying. Most times I do not know what is coming next, but I trust that what ever comes my way is for the greatness of God. It may not be what I want but it will make me stronger and closer to the peacefulness of who I am. Quiet is what I longed for and Quiet is what I needed but it is also the Quiet that I fear. When life becomes too quiet we can understand why we love the ones we do and how, even though others may seem to drain us, that we need that drain otherwise our tub gets too full.
All of the quiet has reminded me of what is important to me and has brought my husband back to the center of my heart. In the hustle and bustle sometimes you start to grow away from each other, not because you want to but because the stress becomes too much. Even if the stress is not causes by the other person there are associated with it. Either you feel guilty for your part in the stress or they just remind you of the life you can not handle. Over time you start to blame and grow apart. Being away has brought me back. Back to the man that a fell in love with back to the life we imagined and back to the wife that I love to be.
I have been home for the last nine years for my children. Every bone in my body has wanted more then the stay home job but the most important thing to me is my children and the life that the love between my husband and I have created. I have given everything up to be with my children and give them the stability of a strong family. They are all great kids with promising future of wholeness in there adult life. Being home in the past was filled with others draining the tub and I had little left over for the children. I thought that I was staying home for my babies but now I realize that I had more then just my babies to take care of. They are now mostly in school and maybe do not need me as much as they did before. When I look at today I feel more like the mother I wanted to be and not the mother that I was trying to be. When things get quiet you discover that who you are and who you want to be are two different things. You can be who you want to be, that is what they always told you right? It is true you just have to take control of who you are first. Quiet your life and listen, not just an hour or a long weekend but a stillness that can not be interrupted and you will see deep inside your heart. You know that this deepness exists but we get lost in how to find it. We start to look for it with false paths, these are only illusions. Doing good for your church, staying home with the children, feeding the family, giving to the less fortunate or what ever it is that you do to try to find that spot in you heart. You will not, till you are quiet, quiet in life and in your relationships, the stillness of this will bring out places that you have longed for. A place that no one else can fill, a place where you find your true being.
So today remind yourself that the craziness and busyness of your life is only there because you are afraid to stop. May be because you are truly afraid of what you may find when you look deep within. But once you can discover the quiet you will not want to let it go.
