The Cross

The cross what does this word mean to you? What do you think when you hear the word cross? What comes to your mind when you see a cross? So many we see on churches, in stores, on cars, in books on the Internet, on music cases and even people ware them. We see them on jewelry, on t-shirts and even body art. But what really does the cross mean. Is it just a simple way to tell other people that you believe in God or is it a symbol to others that there are Christians inside praising Jesus. Does it mean that when you drive down the road you are more blessed or that the music you are listening to will fill your ears and make you whole. What is it that you are really hearing or seeing when you encountered by a CROSS?
I hear over and over that cross is a universal symbol of Christianity. In the dictionary it says; a structure consisting of an upright with a transverse beam used by the ancient Romans for execution. Maybe I really should ask Jesus what the word cross means to him? Maybe we should ask the people on death row to answer the question honestly when asking them what they feel about lethal injection. They might say shame, guilt, not worthy, pain and desperation. That may seem a little extreme but maybe not.

When I think of the cross I think of all the things that I have had to bear in order to become closer to Jesus. I think of the pain, the pain that is so deep that only the Lord could understand or hear my voice screaming for a release. I think of humiliation, embarrassment that the world has cast upon me for the mistakes I have made. I think of sorrow for the relationships that I have lost. The blood and tears that I have shed through desperation for strength. Darkness that surrounds me like a storms cold heavy, intense clouds and the eerie silence of what is to come. I think about being tied to my past and persecuted for the things that I struggle with. I am weak my body trembles to hold on to the days that encircle me. I am thirsty me mouth is dry and my skin is cracking I beg for the flow of truth. I am tired I can barley see what is in front of me when will I rest in the shadows of perfection. I lay in my grave that still is exposed to the arrows of my enemy. The world beats down upon me, all I see is the darkness that weighs on me like a cloak of steel.
Christ carried his cross, beaten and bruised. He was nailed to the pain of the world and left to die on the sin we have created. The hands that touched sick now shed blood the feet that walked to heal the broken now shed blood too. His mouth too dry to swallow, his eyes filled with sorrow and his body to weak to stand. He feels the pull of each nail as his body begins to rest. He still calls out to God in the time of his death.

I cry out to you oh Lord. My spirit is clinching to the faith of becoming new but my body is slipping away tired and weak. I call out to you oh Lord how long do have to wait to hear your voice.
Still I wait in silence so that you will come and sit with me you can bring me into open places where the sky meets the sea and the fields behind me never end. You are the one who has changed me; you are the one I long for. I will shed one thousand tears and ten thousand more. Still I will never feel the pain that lies deep in the ocean of tears that you have wept for me.

Matthew; 10, 38-39
And anyone who dose not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me.
Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.
Ask Jesus what the cross means to him. Ask what he feels when thinking of the cross. He will not tell you that it is just a symbol. It is what we can only hope for, that we too can die on a cross, filled with a lifetime of sorrow. Our pain that scars our bodies and the tears that blur our vision. When you can feel your heart breaking and you are not sure if you can take anymore. When the walls close in around you, the ground is too unstable to walk. Then we can get a glimpse of what Jesus has led us to do. We forsake Jesus for the cross that we carry; he died on our cross to save us from the sin of the world.
When I think of the cross I think of my testimony. The path that I have walked down, the darkness that I have endured. Life has brought me to so many places. The lessons that have been worth leaning have been ones of pain.
God you are the light on my path and the rest that I need with you I am and with out you I am not.

Romans; 6, 3-4
Or don’t you know that all of us who were baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into his death?
We were there for buried with him through baptism into death in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead in the glory of the father, we too may live a new life.

Romans; 6, 8-10
Now if we died with Christ, we believe that we also will live in him.
For we know that since Christ was raised from the dead, He cannot die again; death no longer has mastery over him. The death he died, he died to sin once for all; but the life he lives he lives to God.

Cowboy Day

Yesterday was the day that all kids who live in Boise Idaho wait for, FAIR DAY. Every year the fair comes through town, now I try to avoid going but since we have to drive right past the giant ferriswheel to get to church it is kind of hard to hide. So we were on our way cowboy hats and all. After several twenties and too many pronto pups we made it home before 10 o'clock.

The next day we spent on the couch all three kids and the dog had a bad case of the runs........

We did make it out of the house today to go meet Quinn's first grade teacher. I am so excited for school to start, Quinn will be in full day and Lauren has three days a week in preschool. I cannot even imagine what it will be like.

This weekend we were finally able to catch up after a very long summer. Things have been crazy like most people but we have been trying very hard to weed out the unnecessary craziness and focus our time on what is life giving instead of life sucking. So the last few weekends we have been doing things that we want to do instead of things that we “have” to do. Jason has been helping our (who we like to call Dad) Dad with his kitchen project and getting some male bonding in at the same time. I have had a few quiet Saturdays to spend catching up on everything in the house. Through my crazy weeding I found time to have one of my dear friends daughter over night. Tanya has always been one person that I could count on. She is the one who talked me into writing this blog and she has the craziest life but she still finds time to love me and it amazes me. She is beautiful in so many ways. I found time to take her daughter Gloria for the night. We also had time to sit and talk for about 30 min when she came to pick Gloria up. Also I was able to go out to lunch with her last week that has not happened for months. To feels good to get a chance to catch out with good friends.


Me working on my blog!

So this weekend Jason and I took the kids to the discovery center, came home and watched a movie, then finished the night with a family bike ride. We actually went to church Sunday morning; I was surprised that people even remember us. It has been since early July that we have had a chance to get there. Then we went out to pizza with Shawn the pastor and Katrina his wife. Now you are probably thinking oh way to get points in heaven sucking up to the pastor and that is why I hate introducing them so formal. They really are just people just like us and they are great friends we enjoy spending time with them and there family. We came home took naps and headed up to my Mom’s ranch to heard turkey’s. That sounds funny but in reality it really is much funnier. We have to move our thanksgiving turkeys from the brooder house to the bigger roost. They are so stupid if one gets scared they all turn and run back. The key is to keep 200 turkeys facing the same way and slowly move down the lane. You lose a few on the way but those can be picked up and carried. The Kids love my Mom’s ranch and they learn so many good honest work habits when helping. Quinton likes to stay the night with Grandma and is really at the age that he can help out so he decided to stay for the night.

He also decided that he did not like his sister hair so he gave her a hair cut free of charge. So now Lauren has one long pony and a short one. CUTE!

Spring

Today was a very busy day, all the kids and myself did THE BACK TO SCHOOL SHOPPING. It was exhausting! Luckily we found some really great sales and were able to get everything with in budget. I do love these days for the reason that it tuckers out the children and I can have a moment to myself.
This brings me back to the reason why I named this blog My Season.......
SPRING - Spring is the time for us to work. We study for the perfect place for our garden to grow. It has to have just the right amount of light and water. We choose what we are going to plant in our garden. We calculate how far we are going to space the plants. Then we spend a lot of time planting our detailed garden.
Now for you gardeners out there you know that planting a garden is not easy work. You have to get your hands dirty, your knees start to hurt and after awhile even your back can feel the labor you put in. Many weeds have to be pulled and everything you need to know about soil conditions. There are a ton of books on how to have the greenest thumb. But there is no one to do the work but you and that is what makes it your garden.
My season is spring. I have chosen my husband, how many children, how far they are spaced and where I will raise them. I have done lots of the weed pulling and have made nice secure planting beds for them to grow. I make sure that they get plenty of food, exercise, sun and Christ everyday. I also have read plenty of we know what you are doing wrong and here is how to fix it books. I realize how very tired I am and how exhausting it is to have your own garden.
It is refreshing to know that I am not the true gardener. Even thou I work very hard at keeping my garden alive the Lord is the true gardener. He has given me beautiful plants to look after but only with his help can I grow a fruitful garden.
John 15; 1
“I am the true vine and my father is the gardener.
He cuts off every branch in me that dose not bare fruit, while every branch that dose bare fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful”.
This gives my sprit rest and reminds me again that the Lord is here for me to come to. He will prune me and shape me when I rest in him. As I pray over my resting garden tonight I ask the Lord to let the light of the day shine on my garden so that these little plants will grow into fruitful trees.

Psalms 1; 2-3
But his delight is in the law of the Lord, and on his law he meditates day and night.
He is like the tree planted by the streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf dose not wither.
What ever he does prospers

Be Still

When we dropped in the water, it felt like plunging into a glass of ice water on a hot summer day. The sun was hot and I could feel it beating down on my shoulders. I lifted myself into my kayak as I said a prayer to Jesus, please keep everyone safe. Jason my husband sits down in the seat behind me as we jolt into the water. The water was lower then usual which made it choppier then I am used to.
As we head down a quiet path of calm water everyone settles in with the confidence that it should be a fairly easy ride. We start to paddle into the next rapid when I look up to see my son Quinton, who is in the raft a head launch out headfirst. He looked like a floppy fish fling throu the air. I Yelled, QUINTON !!!!!! The only thing I can do is paddle as hard as I can to get to him. I completely forget that I am headed for the same rapid and need to get through it before I can even think about helping him. Just then our kayak is completely flipped over and both my husband and I are thrown out. I was dumped right into a whirlpool. I could not breath; all I could see was white. I felt my body being pulled around; I was hitting my foot on a rock. I tried to swim out of it, I did not know where the top or bottom was I tried to push myself off on the rock but I was being jerked around so much I missed it every time. It was like I was in a blender on a mechanical bull with a bag over my head, there was no way out. I was scared, a million thought were rushing through my mind, Quinn is he ok, my other kids they need me to fight this, Jason I can’t leave him yet he needs me to fight this. I had been under it felt like five minuets, in reality it was probably about 80 seconds. I felt like it was the end then I started to pray, God told me, be still. The more I try to fight the water the more it pulled me down. I was getting tired and I had no air so I let go. I just let my body relax and flow with the water like a green piece of seaweed I let the water carry me, almost instantly it spit me back out into the rapids. My life jacket was above my head so I was still under the water. I pulled it down as much as I could and struggled for any air I could get. I had to ride out the rest of the rapids. I could feel my feet and legs hitting rocks as the river pulled me down stream. Each time it felt like the sidewalk feels when you fall of your bike. I was able to get a few small breaths but with each breath I swallowed the river. I had water in my ears my nose and mouth. I felt sick to my stomach, still unsure that I was going to make it. I started to throw up all the extra water it felt like my guts were going to explode as water poured out of both my mouth and my nose. I then could finally see my kayak floating ahead of me. I was so tired that I could not even swim to it. I pulled my jacket down so that my head could have a little support I needed to breath. I came up out of the last rapid, still unsure of where my son was. I took my first deep breath and as I let it out I yelled “WHERE IS QUINN”. It was like one of those dreams where you yell but nothing comes out. But someone did hear me; they yelled back “he is fine”. I yelled again “WHERE IS QUINN” I heard again “he is fine”. With the relief that Quinn was safe I took in a few deep breaths. I then used all of my left over energy to swim to the kayak but I could not pull myself in. The thought of lifting my body over the life jacket and into the kayak was not even conceivable. I held on to the side as my husband swam from another kayak over to me.
I was done with the river trip at this point and would have gotten out. The only problem is there is no place to get out. We had only gone about a mile in a six-mile run and we had to finish. I was tired and terrified that something else was going to happen. Then I realized that this was more then a river trip this was a hit over the head by God.
Exodus 14; 13-14
Moses answered to the people,
“Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will se the deliverance the Lord will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again. The lord will fight for you; you need only to be still”.
My journey with God has taken me to a place in life where I have had to learn to be still. I gave it to God completely by surrendering everything and trusting that he would fight my battle. This is not an easy thing because I am a fighter. God has been telling me to give up the fight and let him fight the battle for me. Just like he told the Israelites to be still, the fight was more then they could handle but to trust in him and he would fight for them. When they were able to do so, he parted the waters of the Red Sea and they were saved. I to have been waiting for my waters to part but I feel like the river has been rising around me. When I was stuck in the whirlpool I was forced to let go. The more I fought the deeper I was. When I finally let go, I was almost instantly released from the force of the world or in this case the water. As I continued down the river I discovered that there were more rapids and even bigger ones. Instead of being over confident during the slow times that I would use those times to relax and get into position for the next rough waters. All I have to do is paddle till I was ready to go in then hold my paddle in the air and just ride with the river. I felt the waves hitting me; I felt the rocking of the boat. When I held my arms high I glided over the top into still water. I then felt like I was on a ship instead of a kayak and it was not so scary.
The river of life never slows or stops. It is unpredictable it turns and bends it is constantly changing. When we fight to try and control the water around us it will send us into a whirlpool. We can fight till we feel like we will die. It is never to late to give it up to Jesus. He is waiting for us and hears our cries but it is up to us to let go.
Psalm 18; 16-19
He reached down from on high and took hold of me; he drew me out of deep waters.
He rescued me from my powerful enemy, from foes, who were too strong for me.
They confronted me in the day of my disaster but he lord was my support.
He brought me out into a spacious place; he rescued me because he delighted in me.

Today was a very quiet day Jason worked late and I stayed home. The kids and I were sitting down for a fresh garden diner when Lauren announced that she was done and would be returning outside to finish playing, Henry followed. I was sitting in my usual spot enjoying the quiet of the evening the kids had left the sliding glass door open and I could feel a slight breeze coming through. After the heat of the day it felt like a silk sheet flowing across my shoulders. As I sat reflecting on my day and thinking of what I had to achieve before I could retire to bed I was suddenly introduced to a bird. A bird was placed right next to my plate as I jumped I heard a little voice say; "this bird is dead Mom". My sweet Lu had brought me a dead bird with complete confidence on her accuracy that in fact the bird was dead.

My babies

opening

Today I have decided to start blogging. My dear friend Tanya has been blogging since January of this year and it has been such an awesome way to keep up to date in her life. She has a very exciting life so there is always lots for her to write about. My life well may not be as interesting but is definetly crazy. I named this blog My Season, for many different reasons but mostly because seasons are only temporary, they are always changing and you can not control or stop the gestation of each season. Each season comes with there own beauty and I appreciate every one in different ways. Also each one comes with there own troubles but with a little hard work and time a new season is always on its way. If I apply this to my life it sure does help me get through a lot. I will tell you more as I go on but for now lets get started.
I have been married to the most wonderful man Jason for four years but we have been together for eight. He is amazing mostly because he loves me and puts up with all my crap. We have three children Quinton, Lauren and Henry. They keep us going tired or not. We also have a daughter Alysha who is mine from a previous marriage I have a feeling you will get to know her better then you would expect. She is kind of a lost seed in the garden of life and she is not sure that she is in the right flowerbed.
I look forward to posting and I will try to do so everyday. Peace for now.